How to Emotionally Manage Yourself During Conflict: A Leader's Guide

Conflict is inevitable in leadership, but how you handle it—emotionally and mentally—can make or break your ability to lead effectively. Emotional intelligence is at the core of this, as it involves being aware of your own internal experiences while also being sensitive to the emotions of others. However, emotional regulation, the ability to manage your reactions in real-time, can be a learned skill every leader needs.

While mindset plays a crucial role in shaping how we handle conflict, there are practical emotional regulation strategies that can help you maintain composure and lead with clarity.

The Importance of Emotional Regulation in Leadership

When emotions get the best of us, they can cause significant damage. Whether anger, frustration, or resentment, unregulated emotions can damage relationships, create distrust, and cloud judgment. As leaders, this affects our decision-making and the productivity and morale of those we collaborate with or lead.

A great example comes from a leader I worked with recently. His organization identified that, while he was an extremely successful sales leader, his ability to collaborate across teams needed improvement. In our conversations, he admitted that he often became impatient with others, especially when he felt they were saying or doing things he considered "stupid." This impatience led to him shutting down or tuning out and, at times, even losing his temper. The result? Damaged relationships, a lack of trust, and difficulty working with specific colleagues.

The issue wasn't just his mindset but his inability to regulate his emotions in real time, particularly when he was tired and deadlines were fast approaching. Emotional regulation and mindset work hand in hand here.

The Hidden Benefits of Conflict

Before discussing strategies for managing emotions during conflict, it's important to remember that conflict isn't inherently bad. When handled properly, it can be a powerful tool for growth, innovation, and stronger relationships.

Here are a few key benefits of conflict:

• New Perspectives: Conflict often forces people to present different viewpoints. When handled with emotional regulation and a positive mindset, these perspectives can challenge your thinking and lead to more well-rounded decisions.

• Challenging the Status Quo: Healthy conflict shakes the status quo and questions assumptions. This can lead to breakthroughs and improvements that wouldn't have surfaced in a harmonious, conflict-free environment.

• Creative Solutions: When people come from different backgrounds or departments, their varied experiences can lead to creative problem-solving. Conflict pushes people to find solutions that work for everyone, often resulting in better, more innovative ideas.

When conflict is viewed through this lens, it becomes less about friction and more about opportunity. However, leaders need to manage their emotions effectively to unlock these benefits.

Seven strategies for improving emotional regulation

1. Create Space Between Emotion and Reaction

Emotions often come before we even realize it. You don't think, "Now I'm going to be angry"—you feel it suddenly. The first and most crucial emotional regulation skill is to create space between the moment you feel triggered and how you respond.

This can be as simple as taking a breath. By pausing, you give yourself time to slow down the automatic response of reacting impulsively. One of the most powerful tools in emotional regulation is the ability to stop, breathe, and give yourself room to choose how you want to respond.

2. Identify What You're Feeling

After creating space, the next step is identifying the emotion you're experiencing. Labelling everything as "anger" is easy, but there are often more complex emotions underneath. Are you feeling disrespected? Overwhelmed? Insecure? Afraid?

A practical exercise is to tune into your physical sensations. Are your shoulders tense? Is your heart racing? These physical symptoms can be your body's way of signalling an emotional response. By noticing these signs, you can gain insight into the emotions bubbling beneath the surface.

For example, the leader I worked with often felt frustrated when others were "grandstanding" in meetings. However, after some exploration, we discovered that he felt fear—fear that these colleagues didn't care about the outcome and were more concerned with impressing others. Once he could identify this, he could better manage his response in a way that wasn't simply reactive.

3. Challenge Your Assumptions and Biases

Our emotional responses are often based on assumptions about other people or situations. In conflict, we can quickly think, "This person is just trying to undermine me," or "They're only in this for themselves." These assumptions fuel emotional reactions like anger or impatience.

Instead of reacting based on these assumptions, challenge them. This empowers you to take control of your emotional responses. Ask yourself, "Is there another explanation for what this person is doing?" or "Am I projecting my fears or frustrations onto this situation?"

The leader I mentioned earlier had a strong bias against anyone he perceived as self-promotional. By recognizing this bias, he was able to adjust his emotional response. He realized that not every situation was as negative as he initially thought. This shift in perspective opened the door to more productive conversations and less emotional friction.

4. Accept the Emotion

This might seem counterintuitive, but accepting your emotions is essential. Emotional regulation doesn't mean pushing down or ignoring emotions—it means recognizing and accepting them without letting them control you.

For instance, if you're angry, allow yourself to acknowledge it without judgment. Instead of thinking, "I shouldn't be feeling this way," try, "I'm feeling angry, and that's okay. Now, what can I do with this emotion that's constructive?"

Accepting your emotions prevents them from building up and becoming overwhelming. When ignored, emotions tend to surface later, often in more destructive ways. Accepting them can bring a sense of relief and reduce stress.

5. Reframe the Story You're Telling Yourself

In conflict situations, we often create stories about what's happening. These stories can lead to heightened emotions and more intense conflict. For example, you might think, "This person is just trying to make me look bad in front of my boss," which can cause frustration and defensiveness.

Instead, reframe the situation: "Maybe they have a different perspective or are under pressure." Shifting the narrative in this way can foster a sense of optimism and hope, leading to a more measured and constructive response.

This practice ties into mindset —what you think directly impacts how you feel and act. If you enter a conversation believing that nothing good can come of it, your emotional reaction will likely align with that belief. But if you approach it with the mindset of assuming positive intent and a mutual desire for the best outcome, your emotional response will reflect openness and collaboration.

6. Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness is staying present in the moment and observing your emotions without judgment. It's a vital tool in emotional regulation, allowing you to detach from immediate emotional reactions and view the situation more clearly.

Mindfulness can be as simple as focusing on breathing or tuning into what you feel physically during a conflict. Grounding yourself in the present moment can help you avoid getting swept up in a flood of emotions. This calm, centered state enables you to approach the conflict with more control and less emotional reactivity.

7. Choosing a Thoughtful Response

Once you've identified, accepted, and processed your emotions, the final step is responding thoughtfully. This is where emotional regulation and mindset come together. You've created space to reflect, checked your assumptions, and calmed your emotions—now, how do you want to act?

Instead of reacting impulsively, make a conscious choice to respond in a way that aligns with your leadership values. Maybe that means asking questions instead of making accusations or calmly stating your perspective instead of shutting the other person down.

Emotional Regulation and Mindset: A Powerful Combination

Managing your emotions during conflict isn't just about keeping your cool—it's about approaching situations with a positive mindset that empowers productive outcomes. Emotional regulation skills like pausing, identifying your feelings, and reframing your thoughts provide the tools you need to manage your emotions.

When you combine emotional regulation with a mindset that assumes positive intent and seeks mutual benefit, you become a leader who manages conflict well and strengthens relationships, trust, and collaboration.